Elkin

In the spirit of the evening… GUTEN TAG!!!

Today has to top the funny list.  My roommate, Cathy and I decided to spend Labor Day in the mountains, oddly enough, we never made it.  Last night we decided that we would stop by my sister’s house to do some planning for my Mom and Dad’s 25th wedding anniversary.  Mission accomplished!  In fact it was quite great.  We got the invitations, an album, the guest list, and food arrangements covered.  

On the way out we decided we’d try to head up to the parkway when about 5 minutes into the ride we realized that I had a flat tire.  Might I remind you that the point of Labor Day is not to work… that includes all places the might unstrand you from the side of the road.  Luckily, after calling AAA and canceling we found a place that could replace the tire.  This awesome guy helped us put on the lovely replacement donut… and in about 45 minutes we were on our way to get the tire replaced.

At this point we decided that we’d had enough mountains for the day and stopped by Speedy Chef… my old work place.  There’s something to be said for first jobs… there those kinds of places that you hold lots and lots of memories dear to your heart… and it somewhat glorifies everything in your mind I suppose.  We pull into the parking lot of the infamous Speedy Chef that I’ve told Cathy about for the last two years (this is her first trip to Elkin) and Tony Hall greets us at the door.  Normally Tony is a really great guy… however… high Tony is quite unpleasant.  I introduced him to my “ROOMMATE” and apparently the entire town immediately thought I was telling some kinda of gigantic lie.  It’s kinda weird… the small town syndrome.  I can just hear everyone that saw Cathy and I together… it spreading like some kind of fire through the town.  I’m almost positive by tomorrow the entire town will just know that I’m married and have kids on the way.  But we’ll get back to the later.

After Tony harasses Cathy for about 15 minutes and congratulates me in his manly way… basically saying he’s much happier that I’m rooming with a hot girl than some sissy boy… we decided to head inside and get some food.  Cathy was starving… yet she only got a grilled cheese… go figure.  I did my almost normal rounds – nobody cool was working today… of talking to my old coworkers.  When I went back in the kitchen… no wait… you have to understand Francis Hall before I tell this part of the story…

Ok… Francis is the owner of Speedy Chef.  She is this almost 80 year old… hmm… by now permanently preserved piece of plastic.  She’s had more plastic surgery than anyone else that I know.  She’s been a chain smoker her entire life… hence the reason for the plastic surgery… and she’s approximately 4’ high.  She’s got one of those very lovely man voices as well.  So I walk back into the kitchen and say hello.  She comes over to me and asks who my friend is.  I explain she’s Cathy from New York and she’s my roommate.  What does Francis ask me next…

“Do ya’ll have separate bedrooms?”

Instantly everyone back there looks up for my response… including Shirley who winks at me… almost in a guy like manner as if saying, “It’s okay if you don’t tell the truth cuz we know that you’re shagging her.”  At this point I just want to scream that I’m gay… but I refrain thinking that’s not too good of an idea in Elkin.  Cathy assures me that they wouldn’t have believed me if I had… that they would have only thought I was lying.  UGH!!!  Small minded towns with small minded people.  You can’t love them for hating them… and you can’t hate them for being so damn stupid.

Now it’s funny how you can live in a town your entire life and things just simply go unnoticed.  Bring fresh eyes onto the scene and suddenly you’re from the most hysterical town on the face of the planet.  We left the Chef and continued down lovely North Bridge Street when Cathy suddenly lets out a constrained but apparent chuckle.  We passed a graveyard where the tombstone closest to the road read, “SALE.”  I by myself would not have found this funny… however… Cathy starts laughing as though she’s high.  Then we both start laughing.  And that was only starters for an afternoon full of laughs.

Also to point out on this lovely North Bridge Street is the little white building of T&A Motors.  Again… I’ve passed this location hundreds if not thousands of times.  It just ones of those things that has always been there and Cathy starts busting the seems again.  Hmm… I’m thinking… what is she laughing at?  AH HA!!!  Titties and Ass Motors!!!  Whew!!!

We make it back to Charlotte… thank God!  We decided we would go watch a movie at North Lake since neither of us has been to that theatre before.  We are totally clueless as to what is playing and finally settled on “Beerfest” – top shelf grade A laugh-your-ass-off movie!  We start to enter the theatre and I look up from getting my ticket out of my pocket where I see this large northern character opening the door in front of us.  I scream out, “Joe Monico!” instantly because I knew that’s who it had to be.  Joe is probably in his mid-40’s I’d say and came back to the College of Architecture to completely some classes so that he could become a licensed architect.  He’s always been quite the interested kinda guy… not married… no kids… really loud and obnoxious… but extremely nice and friendly at the same time. He turns around and greets us and we exchange the normal chit-chat and sort of part ways.  Cathy and I glance back to see him meet up with this guy with much the same physical features as Joe in terms of weight and what not… then we both glance at each other and bust out laughing yet again!  Joe Monico is gay!!!  The surprises never end…

After laughing our asses off during the movie we get in the car and travel the 15 minutes across Harris Boulevard.  At some point we decide to reminisce on the afternoons activities and about the same time it starts raining we both laugh so hard that we started crying.  So here is to days that go completely wrong!  I love them!!!

Oh, and just for the record… it was 11 not 12 times this weekend!  HAHA!!!