Manipulation Rocks

SCORE!!!  Mad reduction in the assignment list previously posted.

So I used my manipulation powers that be to my full advantage today in class.  Everyone has this image of David and I being buddies… David my professor.  Which we are.  So I called together this group meeting right before class and got everyone fired up about the amount of shit we have due for Monday… for a schematic review… when next semester we have the entire semester for design development.  

After brief discussion… I then divided out the comments… one for each classmate.  And when David arrived… we greeting him with a nice organized protest!!!  And were successful.  Ahh… the feeling of victory overwhelms me right now!!!  

There is still so much to do… don’t get me wrong.  But it now at least feels somewhat doable.  So with that said… it’s back to work I go.  

Almost there...

So it’s crunch time once again.  Thanksgiving break was much needed, but now its time to get back into the normal grind of things.  I have exactly one week to prepare for final review.  Our final critique is next Monday, December 5th.  Wow, it’s odd to even type that… hard to believe that December is already here.

I’d have to say without a doubt the highlight of break has been getting to spend some time with Will.  It was nice to be able to get my mind off school and my grandma… and on something that’s making me smile.  I feel like every second we have together we’re getting closer – and there’s not a second that goes by that some thought of him doesn’t pop in my head.  

I must focus though… haha!  I suppose it’s good that we aren’t that close to one another right now… just makes me miss him like crazy.

Just to give you an idea… here is what’s due for studio on Monday:

1. Floor plans – each main floor


2. Building elevations – minimum of 4.  Show shadow projections and materials.


3. Building sections – minimum of 2.


4. Building model – chipboard or similar @ 1/8”=1’-0”


5. Site and context plan (as large as possible)


6. Site and context sections (2)


7. Building perspectives (minimum of 3 – as see in its setting from the main approach and other key vantage points)


8. Detail elevation of typical bay @ ½” – 1’-0”


9. Matching detail constructional section through typical bay at ½” = 1’-0”


10. Site model


11. Introductory boards explaining premise, site, and program analysis w/ well documented precedent research.

I’m going to go scream now… bye bye!!!

Change...

I think the older we get, the more resistant to change we become.  It seems the more things try to change, the more that we try to stay the same.  The more I get to know people, the more I realize that we are all pretty much this way.  Staying exactly the same for as long as possible… standing perfectly still… somehow it just feels better that way.  It doesn’t seem to matter if you are happy or suffering, just as long as its familiar, because if you took that leap of faith… went outside the box… did something unexpected – who knows what other pain might be waiting out there.  Chances are it could be even worse.

So we maintain the status quo.  We take the paths that have already been traveled and it doesn’t seem that bad… not as far as flaws go.  You’re not killing anyone, except maybe yourself a little.

When and if we finally do change… I don’t think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion – where all of a sudden we are this different person.  It’s smaller than that.  The kind of thing that most people wouldn’t even notice… unless they looked at us really – really close.  Thank God they never do.  But you notice it – inside you that change feels like a world of difference.  And you hope this is it.  This is the person that you get to be forever… that you will never have to change again.

That’s kind of the way I felt this Thanksgiving at least.  Everything was so different … the place we had Thanksgiving … the people that were there.  It just makes it not seem worth it anymore.  It’s sad to say, but true none the less.  And you can tell that everyone is thinking the exact same thing as you – but no one is daring brave enough to say such horrific things.  

I used to think that I liked change – but change for me meant reorganizing my furniture – not my life and the people who surround it.  Not changing my career path even though I sometimes wonder if this is what I really want to do.  Not trying to decide if I should pick up and move to New York for a job that’s the opportunity of a lifetime.  Or even trying to decide if I can tell my own mother who I am or not.  

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  ~Anatole France

Reporting from work today...

So the excitement at work has died down just a touch. We unfortunately did not get the Mint Museum project... sad to say. Machado and Silvetti will be the architects to receive the project... I anticipate. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, however. They are a firm rooted in their beliefs of technology, materials, and contemporary architecture. I'll post some of their work soon.

Even as such... Joddy is extremely interested in persuing a project with Gwathmey and Siegel. We are now joing with them to try and get the NCSU project for their Aeronautical building.

Cool stuff I suppose. Apparently we are the epitamy of Charlotte right now in terms of architecture firms. We keep getting work and the other firms are envious.

My grandmother it seems is doing a lot better the past couple of days. I really didn't expect her to be here for Thanksgiving... but it looks as though God saw otherwise. I'm worried about my Dad b/c he hasn't been sleeping very much - staying with her - has missed a lot of work among other things. I feel like if I could be at home right now there might be something I could do to help out. But being at home for Thanksgiving the next couple of days should be nice.

My review went pretty well I suppose on Monday. It last from 12 until 8.30 making for a remarkably long day. But skematics are out of the way and the next couple of weeks can be spent focusing on final production. I need to crank out an enormous amount of work. But BSI is out of the way for a while now.

Suzanne, Kiffin and I are becoming very close lately. It's amazing the difference in developing true friendships... MATURE FRIENDSHIPS... unlike the recent disasters of David and Kate the past few weeks. I guess some people just never will grow up. But we were talking about planning a trip to Europe quite possibly this summer. And Suzanne and I are actually interested in starting a firm together in a few years. I'm thinking very seriously about taking the job in New York over the summer and then coming back next fall. It would be a great addition to the resume. I would just dealy miss a few people here.

Got to hang out with Will last night. We ate dinner at Nakato's... very good! And then besides the obvious entertainment there was the lady sitting next to us with an IQ level somewhere approaching the negative numbers. I find it hilarious when people comment on things they know absolutely NOTHING about. But it's all 'relative' I suppose. But I had a really great time... much needed stress break... and I always enjoy spending time with Will.

I was supposed to go and hang out with Jon that night... or him come hangout with me. My plans with Will got pushed a little late, however. But hopefully I'll be able to make things up... he got a little pissed at me.

But today at 5pm the holiday season officially kicks off for me. I'm going to try to do some major relaxing of the next couple of days. It is very much needed!!! But to all of my friends... I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!! I'll be thinking about you! ;-)

All in all - A Great Day!!!

Ok, so I haven’t updated in a couple days… what better day to do so than today!  My life is more hectic than it has ever been… EVER!!!  Between school, work, my grandma not doing well at all… among other personal issues I won’t mention here… it’s like I told my studio professor yesterday… I honestly don’t know how much more I can take.

But… God never puts more on us than we can handle… right?

Despite all the craziness, something amazing did manage to happen today.  I met Charles Gwathmey of Gwathmey Siegel Architects located in New York.  He’s one of the most famous architects alive today.  Not only did I meet him… shake his hand… and do a little bit of bullshitting with him… he then proceeded to tell me that if I were to ever want to work in New York… to give him a call that I’d have a job.

OMG!!!  CAN I GET THAT IN WRITING PLEASE???!!!

I have to head out for now.  If you don’t know who these guys are… look them up on the internet.  They did the addition to the Guggenheim Museum by FLW.  I’ll post some pictures this afternoon.

All in all – A GREAT DAY!  

Now I really want to hurry up and graduate!

Chow.

MISSING...

HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY CELL PHONE???!!!???

CRASH...

I’ve always believed that, ‘Everything that happens, happens for a reason.” I don’t mean by this that we are a bunch of puppets aimlessly fulfilling our destinies… I do think we make our own choices and decisions. With that said, I also think that we are presented opportunities that allow us to grow. It’s what we do with these opportunities that define us as a person… as who we are.

I think sometimes we are even presented with something great at a point in our lives… maybe when we aren’t ready… and then represented with that same thing so that we might value it for its worth when we are ready for it.

There is a person in my life who I had an opportunity with at one point… and totally blew it, but I’m seeing now that there may have been a lot of reasons for that. The past year for me has been full of lessons… some that I would rather have not learned at the time… but now I’m seeing just how much I grew from them. That’s what life is about… living, learning, and changing.

When I first met this person … I knew then he was something special. I never stopped caring about him, but I was at a point where I was getting over someone else. I could have continued seeing him… but I knew in my heart that was wrong because I wasn’t giving myself like I should have. In a lot of a ways when I ended things I was thinking more about him than I was myself.

Although I never lost touch with him, he recently has become a bigger part of my life. We’re connected in a lot of ways… going through a lot of the same things. And because of this I think our friendship has grown to a new level. I value this friendship greatly and hope that it continues to grow stronger… but at the same time I have started developing much more intense feelings too. I’ve kinda been hinting at that… doing a little bit of harmless flirting… but I want to come clean.

The problem is that it’s really REALLY bad timing. This person just broke up with the same guy he’d just broken up with the last time we dated. I know that he’s hurt about that right now… and more than anything I just want him to know that I’m his friend and there for him. I also want him to know how I feel though. I mean, we should be honest with our feelings, right? I have asked about all of my friends now what I should do… if I should tell him or not? So in some ways I guess I decided to… but in a very round-a-bout way. I hope that you read this!

I want you to know that I’m here for you… always. I want us to continue growing as friends… to a much deeper level than we are now. I hope that we can spend a lot more time together. I also want you to know that I’m interested in ‘us’ again… but that I’m not going to make that move. I don’t think that it’s the right time for that. I know you are going through a lot right now… and if you were to be interested again… I would want it to be for all the right reasons. I guess I’m just saying that I’m here for that if you ever want it… and if not… that’s totally fine too. I’m just glad that we’ve connected like we have the past couple of weeks.

Back to the grind...

I went home to see the family Saturday morning. It was kind of hard seeing my grandma like she was. She looked very weak and definitely not like her normal self. Mom said that’s she’s started looking better the past couple of days though. I think if she would start eating she could build her strength back up and she could pull through some of this. It’s sad to say but it’s almost as though she’s to the point of giving up.

I’m kind of frustrated with my parents right now. They, as of last night, had still not called to inform my dad’s brother that she’s even sick. I have fussed at them greatly and hope that I was a little bit successful in getting them to call them.

Their reasoning has to do with the fact that my dad’s brother is in a bit of a financial situation right now and they don’t want them to just take my grandmother’s house and run through the money that she has saved up. I can understand that… but at the same time I try to put myself in his shoes and I’d definitely want to have the opportunity to spend what time I could with my mom before she passed.

I helped my lil bro fill out his college applications before I came back to Charlotte. I’ve got to find a way to motivate this boy. He expects everyone to do this shit for him. But, hopefully he will have his applications in to State, Wilmington, and UNCC – possibly even Clemson and UVA in the next couple of weeks.

When I got back to Charlotte a friend came over that I hadn’t seen in a long time. TOO LONG! It was really nice. We just watched movies till about 2 or 3 am… talked him into spending the night… and went and ate breakfast this morning. I hope we continue hanging out… and more often too.

But now I’ve got to get busy… so much to do today. Thank God Tyke called a while ago and I don’t have to go into work this afternoon… just have to go in at 6am in the morning. But that’s all good.

I’m in a great mood today!!! Thanks Will. ; )

Pictures

So people seem to be enjoying my architecture pictures… so I will continue to share. I’ll try and post an example of good architecture on a daily basis. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with me… just my opinion.

I have to travel to Elkin tomorrow. My grandmother isn’t doing very well … in fact my mom made it a point to say on Tuesday that if I wanted to see her I should definitely make it home this weekend. She’s one of those people who you just never think about passing away. She’s always been so strong and just keeps going. But I know she’s missed my grandfather a lot since he passed and hasn’t really been the same since then. It makes me realize how much I really do not want to get old. But it’s part of life. And if I do get old, I definitely hope to have someone special to share those years with.

Maybe someday I’ll find you whoever you are!!! ;-)

Enjoy the pictures!!!

capital A - Architecture

Charlotte is actually going to get some architecture… strike that… some Architecture. And yes, there is a big difference! You even pronounce that word like this… ‘capital A – Architecture’

Steven and I got in this huge heated discussion about architecture… it’s many great heroes… and their shitty theories today at work. It was quite enjoyable. There are few of my colleagues, professors included, that seem to be able to think past their nose. It’s kinda curious actually – UNCC is the top school in the state for Architecture. As opposed to NCState, UNCC actually does teach design based. State seems to be more technical. I used to be totally against this… but I am seeing its lagistics now. Their philosophy is that our profession is easy to figure out when it comes to the technical shit. Well, not easy, but once you get a job its just part of working. And each firm you work at do things so differently it would be impossible to train everyone on all the different systems. So they cover their history and then let you make up your own mind about how you see the designed world.

But back to the important stuff… For those of you who don’t know, I work at Jenkins Peer Architects. (http://www.jenkinspeer.com/) We are probably the top firm in Charlotte. Maybe not the most well known, but definitely the top. As such, we are in the process of getting the Charlotte Mint Museum. This project will be a piece of the puzzle to South Tryon’s revamping… AND MARK MY WORDS… will become the most popular, traveled to, urban environment in Charlotte.

Mario Botta, a Swiss (meaning European so it’s gotta be hot!!!) designer is heading up the design of the Bechtler Museum of Modern Art. This will be a piece of the puzzle… a very important one! Although I don’t necessarily LIKE Botta’s work (its modern, yet rooted in history) one must appreciate it. He is where he is because he is a great designer (one of the top in the world at the moment). This makes him famous! I think for the first time architecture is coming back into the publics eyes the way it should. Which makes it a great time to be graduating from architecture school… but I’m straying again… back to the topic at hand.

This museum will be part of a mixed use complex on South Tryon and West 1st Street. It will also include a new Wachovia tower (30-35 stories) where Wake Forest will be moving it’s Business School that is in the South Park area. UNCC is also building some school down there… I haven’t done my research on this yet or I would expand. And with Johnston and Wales being downtown … OMG people … we are creating a city with a 24-hr urban environment. New high-rise RESIDENTIAL towers are springing up like wild flowers… literally. There for a while there was a new one announced every week… sometimes two. And across the street from all of this is the new Mint Museum location.

Jenkins Peer was short listed for the project yesterday along with 4 other firms. We would be working with Gwathmey Siegel on the project – a respected and fairly famous firm. The other names on the list were a bit disheartening simply because their status exceeds Gwathmey Siegel, but it’s kinda like Elaine said – the general public hasn’t really ever heard of these people so they don’t understand their famousness.

Point being, all of these things coming together in one spot is going to create one extremely cultured area in our city… something that Charlotte has literally been DIEING for. And for those of you who don’t know this about your great city… Charlotte is on the list for the 20 fastest growing cities in the US! That’s pretty impressive.

So for all of you people who are ready to get out… I suggest hanging around for a while. You might see something great happen here!

Goodnite!

Went to Carowinds today.  Not much to say tonite other than I’m exhausted.  So I will make another post in the morning… I actually have some things I’d like to get out, but I think they need some processing time anyways.

Back to the grind tomorrow… studio, bsi, and aesthetics will be eating up my life this coming week.  Joy joy!  But only a few months left.  Still trying to think of something wonderful to do when I graduate in May.  Any suggestions… please feel free to comment… or become a travel buddy.  HAHA!  G’nite peeps.    

Rather boring day to

Rather boring day today.  I skipped work so that I could get a little more ahead on my studio work.  I went to David Walter’s presentation on John Nolan and Myer’s park at the library… which was surprisingly well done.   He’s an extremely smart guy.  I somewhat shadow in his footsteps around the College of Architecture.  He’s working on his third book at the moment.  I taken him for every possible class that I could… this is my second studio and I took two of his electives.  

His wife is an abstract artist.  She had a showing tonight in the gallery.  Sophia and I walked around looking for all the random objects we could spot in her work.  I talked with her about her methods … it’s quite intriguing actually.  She apparently puts no meaning behind her work at all.  It’s all about brush stroke and color capacity/adjacencies.  I suppose I’m too rooted in my rational thinking to appreciate something like that.  It seems so arbitrary to me.  I mean, she spends months on these paintings ... I guess largely because the oil paints take so long to dry ... but I just find myself asking, “Why?”  

I guess that is why I’m an architect … I like things rooted with theory, but I want them to have a rational.  A clear rational.  That’s like David and I were talking today in studio about my project and I’ve chose to go with this rather expressive vernacular which picks up on the subtle cues around the site relating to the early 1900 structures scattered across the site, but also expressive of the fact that it’s a production facility.  I wanted it to be integrated into the landscape and for the visitors to feel nestled within the grape vines themselves, giving them the glory not he building.  The building will be quite beautiful and articulate, don’t get me wrong … but monumental as I think he was urging me to go with. But he very much understands my argument.

Outside of school things are hectic as always.  I’m battling with a roommate who insists my friends and I are too loud and on going to bed at 10pm every night.  I don’t know how to handle the situation because we are not being that loud.  Last night I just left to keep from arguing … but she’s going to push my buttons the wrong way and I’m just going to go off on her.  She tends to have the attitude that the world should revolve around her in the apartment … noise, air conditioning, heat … you name it.  But I’m probably out of here after next semester anyway.

The family arrives in Charlotte in the AM tomorrow.  My cousin ended up with some tickets to Carowinds so she invited us to go with her.  Should be pretty awesome … I do miss getting to see them ever so often.  

I’m trying to plan what it is I’m going to do upon graduation this coming May.  I DO NOT JUST WANT TO GRADUATE AND START WORKING.  My goal is something life changing like a couple months in Europe or something.  I really do need to just get away from all this crap for a while.  Call it running from my problems if you wish, but this year has been one hell of a year for me.  I feel like I’m grasping at strings all the time.  I used to be such a confident and independent person.  It’s amazing how falling in love changes your perspective on everything … most surely not always for the better.

I bought the new Howie Day CD tonight.  It’s alright if you haven’t listened to it yet … and the hottie on the cover isn’t too bad too look at either.  LOL!!!  But I’m off to watch a recorded episode of Everwood.  I LOVE DVR!  Later my peeps.  

Caution take heed to this!

**Caution – take heed to this warning!

I’m becoming quite an angry person lately.  I don’t like that too much.  It’s like all these things are coming at me at once and it’s really making me blow up on a lot of people.  Some of them are asking for it really … normally I might just blow things off and not really say anything about it … but lately I’m like this bomb ready to explode at any second.

Let this be a warning to all of you right now.  If I do explode … take it with a grain of salt.  Well, not always … if it’s something petty and stupid take it with a grain of salt … please!

I don’t like being like this.  It’s rather disheartening.  I’m going to really try and work on it.  A lot of it is just frustration with people seeking its way out right now.  I’ve never been one to express that in anger … I don’t like it and I want it to stop.

The topic of friends –
I’m finding out more and more who those people are.  I like to be naïve and see the good in people when it doesn’t always exist.  Even after they’ve put me out to the point that I don’t want to speak to them ever again … I will still defend them and try and make some sort of rational decision as to why they may be this way … and even seek to help them.  

One thing that I want to make very clear to people is that by calling you my friend I seek nothing!  I do not want nor need your money.  I am not trying to gain anything … other than just that … a friend.  

How do I define a friend…?
A friend is someone who is there for you … not superficially … they are really and truly there for you.  A friend is someone you love … someone that you want to do things for … and wants to do things for you.  Not extravagant things … simple things.  The things that matter.  One of my best friends is actually someone, who … surprisingly I haven’t met at all.  But he listens to me.  He gives me advice.  I do the same for him.  We lean on each other.  

I think a true friend is someone who worries about you … someone who thinks about you on a deeper level than just an acquaintance.  They worry about what you think.  THEY CARE WHAT YOU THINK.  

I remember this poem that my Mom used to have hanging on the wall … lol … one of her friends cross-stitched it for her.  But it meant a lot to me then.  I remember asking myself if I had anyone in my life like this … but it goes as follows …

Do not walk in front of me,
I may not follow.
Do not walk behind me,
I may not lead.
Just walk beside of me,
And be my friend.

That’s all I look for … someone to walk beside of me in this journey.  I have several of you guys.  I don’t question you at all.  And one of you I seek very strongly to strengthen that bond with right now.  I think we are going through a lot of the same situations … and you seem so insightful and genuine … a quality that the majority of gay people do not obtain.  But you are different … someone that I admire a lot for being who you are.  I wish this summer had been different in a lot of ways.  But I suppose things happen as they do for a reason.  Just know that now when I bug you about wanting to do things with you I have no motive other than friendship.  A TRUE FRIENDSHIP.  

An Apology…
I’m sorry if I hurt you by expressing the way that I feel.  I don’t think what I said in any way pointed you out as being a bad person.  I simply wanted to get out what I was feeling.  You didn’t allow me to do that when it was important … and now you seem to want to tell me everything that is wrong with me.  I’m not looking to start an argument with you … that is the very last thing that I want.  When I told you that I loved you … I meant that.  That’s the way I am … I don’t say things that I don’t mean.  I knew things were falling apart for us … and I begged you to talk about that … but you promised everything was ok.  Then, overnight everything wasn’t ok … and suddenly all of my problems apparently became present to you.  I don’t think you are an asshole.  I don’t hate you, as much as I would like to.  You are making me get angry with you … which I don’t like.  I want things to be civil between us.  You tell me you want to be my friend … but what exactly do you mean by that?  You want me to be an online acquaintance … you want to talk to me … I mean what is it that you seek in this friendship?  When I could have used the talk … you didn’t want to talk.  You were a coward.  What has changed?  Why do you want to point fingers now?  I’m to the point where I’m ok … and you want to cause drama now … why?  If you want to be my friend … please just give me some time.  I’m not ignoring your IM’s.  I’m not trying to be mean or hateful … I’m not calling you out as a bad person.  I don’t believe that for a minute.  

I wasn’t trying to push myself on you.  Or make your life more difficult.  I know how much you are going through and only wanted to be there for you through it.  Maybe I did add too much complexity.  But you knew your schedule before you met me.  And I didn’t change.  I didn’t act any faster in this than you did … I was the one hesitant about it all.  

I actually think about you everyday.  I think about your family and what you’ve been going through with that.  I think about your friends … and your not so friends.  I think about your school … and knowing how stressed you are about taking the GMAT’s.  And I want to ask you about it and find out what’s going on … and above all I want to be there for you.  But how is that any different than what caused all of our problems?  But then maybe that wasn’t our problem.  That’s why I wanted to know then.  But it doesn’t matter now.  It’s only going to cause anger now.  There’s no reason in pointing fingers.  I still love you … I still want to be a part of your life as much as I want you to be a part of mine.  I just need some time.    

After a rather pleasant day of work I've decided to avoid studio for the afternoon. Crunch time is in full force. With only three weeks remaining in the semester the winery has to be completely designed before Christmas break. The nice thing about being in the architecture program is that 'studio' ends a week early ... They know we go through enough hell that we couldn't handle the pressures studio life provides and function in any normality during exam week.

Although always stressed, I have truly enjoyed studio this semester. It's been quite an educational experience. There is so much theory behind architecture ... and it's that sort of juicy stuff that enticed me so much to this field. The first few years of design school seem so weighted in it and the further up the totem pole you get the more technical it gets. I wonder if it shouldn't be reversed? But it's nice to get back into the spirit of what makes you happy. I've definitely needed something to refocus my attention the past few weeks.

On the ride back to the apartment from work Sophia called me. I think she's about as stressed out as I am at the moment. Her and her husband and in the full swing of finishing up the design work of their house. She got married over summer break and between studio and other classes I don't know how they've had time to successfully design this house. She's wanting me to help her pick out some finishes and things this week ... which is kind-of-exciting for me. I like getting into all the juicy pieces of this field. It's quite amazing if you think about it. Architecture is this field that in some way encompasses almost everything. You have to be design savvy - keep up on all the latest trends and in some cases even be a trend setter. There is a whole technical aspect you must keep up to date and educated on - the materials you specify. And personally, although most don't, I hope to keep very aware of the environment. Use things that are environmentally friendly and be away of orientation ... how buildings are sited to maximize their efficiency. There's a whole computer understanding one must have. You have to have great communication skills - learn how to listen to your clients, yet keep a grasp of big ideas. And I could go on and on. You start up your own business and there is that whole aspect. It's quite overwhelming sometimes. The days of Corbrusier and Mies sent the architectural world into thinking they were some type of demi-gods ... and although I don't believe in this to the point they did ... I do understand their thinking behind it.

I think people should understand, though, that there is a huge difference between what we drive past everyday ... and architecture ... or even more clearly as it's being expressed today ... Architecture (read capital "A" - Architecture). We are not just this mundane field that can be bypassed as some might think. We are not overpaid for the services we provide ... in fact I'd say its quite the opposite. Our level of education and expertise reaches that of doctors and lawyers, but it is not our pockets that are overrunning themselves with money.

So May is on it's way and I will have officially finished my time here at UNCC. For now anyways. I want to work some ... get out of debt ... get my internships out of the way so I can take the exams ... and then with any luck Sophia, Suzanne and I are going to start up our own firm. I think we are interested in a lot of the same concepts ... each one of us weighted differently in specific areas. It may be a huge headache putting all that together ... or we may be the next SOM. I guess time will tell.

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you last night who read my blog. I'm going to try and keep writing on a daily basis ... or semi-daily. I really appreciated all the 'i love you's' ... much needed ... and I love you all too.

PS... if you sign up ... you can start posting all those great comments you made on aim on my blog!!!

Wow... it's been one amazing year. It's hard to believe that 2005 has almost closed the door on us... but all great things ... strike that ... all things must come to an end. I'm actually quite happy to see this one leave. Entering the New Year is supposed to be a year about transition ... taking out the stuff that made it shitty ... and replacing it with stuff to make us happy. I guess in some ways my 2005 resolutions were accomplished. I definitely know more about who I am as a person. I've learned a lot of very important life lessons along the way. I don't mean to look back on the year with such remorse, it's just been one full of a lot of pain. I fell in love twice. The first time was actually at the end of 2004. Love has always been the most ultimate goal in my life ... I don't even really know how to descibe the power that it obtains with me. I guess sometimes I desire it so greatly that I lose site of the bigger pictures ... but I'm only human. I don't truly regret falling in love - actually I don't regret it at all. It's just that when you lose that person you feel as though you lose a piece of yourself at the same time. It's something that can't ever be reclaimed again - once its gone - it's really gone. With David metaphorically I lost innocents along with my heart for the first true time. I lost what the power of love holds ... I became distant and even more withdrawn than before. Over the summer I managed to regain some of that. But it's amazing how a love that you put your entire self into because you believe in it to that degree ... how it can just die. It's like a fire that you want to keep burning to keep you warm ... but that damn breeze won't go away. And once the fire is out ... the heat is still there, but the fire is harder to start ... and if you do ever manage to restart it ... it never burns the same anyway. I'm kinda thankful ... despite repeated attempts ... that the fire never did restart. I think that would have been an even bigger mistake. I was so rooted in the excitement of this new thing that I had found that it's composition didn't really matter to me. It's substance was lost in a sea of self-denial really. My second love was short lived and never really developed. I feel it could have, had its situations been different. I was pretty hurt at first when it ended. It's amazing how a month can make you feel so rooted into something. I know that I have a problem with attaching myself too quickly - I want to be in love. I guess I just saw such a potential in this relationship that it hurt me to see it not have the chance to become something. It's reason for failure seems to be rooted in the theory of time and place - accordingly everything has a time and a place - and this just wasn't ours. But this burdons one with the question what if it had been a different time? Would the love of my life have been this opportunity? Is this a lost opportunity? What did I gain? What did I lose? What did I learn? I guess all of those things are still yet to be answered ... and maybe they wont be. In some ways I feel denied a sense of closure and understanding - but then according to, "Speaking of relationships, I tried to pursue one of my own.. I'm not going to go into details, but the timing just wasn't right... this person got hurt in the process - which made me feel really bad... but, you can't go through life making everyone happy... and you just have to keep moving... you can't let things like this hold you up...." I don't know if I should be hurt by that or just take it for it's source. I mean, if you truly care about someone the way implied ... it does matter. There is the understanding that things sometimes just don't work ... I totally understand that ... this summer was a representation of that on many levels for me. I guess some of my problem is that I have an idealization of what love is ... actually I can quote my favorite passave from the Bible for this one ... it says it much more poetically than I could ever dream of. "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in eveil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears." (1 Corinthians 13) Doesn't that say it all??? I suppose that if I ever find anyone who believes in this passage as strongly as do I, I will have found my perfect match. Love is going to be faced with problems. It's going to be difficult just as life is. But it can supply you with the most meaningful existance of all. Love makes everything else foreground!