Caution take heed to this!

**Caution – take heed to this warning!

I’m becoming quite an angry person lately.  I don’t like that too much.  It’s like all these things are coming at me at once and it’s really making me blow up on a lot of people.  Some of them are asking for it really … normally I might just blow things off and not really say anything about it … but lately I’m like this bomb ready to explode at any second.

Let this be a warning to all of you right now.  If I do explode … take it with a grain of salt.  Well, not always … if it’s something petty and stupid take it with a grain of salt … please!

I don’t like being like this.  It’s rather disheartening.  I’m going to really try and work on it.  A lot of it is just frustration with people seeking its way out right now.  I’ve never been one to express that in anger … I don’t like it and I want it to stop.

The topic of friends –
I’m finding out more and more who those people are.  I like to be naïve and see the good in people when it doesn’t always exist.  Even after they’ve put me out to the point that I don’t want to speak to them ever again … I will still defend them and try and make some sort of rational decision as to why they may be this way … and even seek to help them.  

One thing that I want to make very clear to people is that by calling you my friend I seek nothing!  I do not want nor need your money.  I am not trying to gain anything … other than just that … a friend.  

How do I define a friend…?
A friend is someone who is there for you … not superficially … they are really and truly there for you.  A friend is someone you love … someone that you want to do things for … and wants to do things for you.  Not extravagant things … simple things.  The things that matter.  One of my best friends is actually someone, who … surprisingly I haven’t met at all.  But he listens to me.  He gives me advice.  I do the same for him.  We lean on each other.  

I think a true friend is someone who worries about you … someone who thinks about you on a deeper level than just an acquaintance.  They worry about what you think.  THEY CARE WHAT YOU THINK.  

I remember this poem that my Mom used to have hanging on the wall … lol … one of her friends cross-stitched it for her.  But it meant a lot to me then.  I remember asking myself if I had anyone in my life like this … but it goes as follows …

Do not walk in front of me,
I may not follow.
Do not walk behind me,
I may not lead.
Just walk beside of me,
And be my friend.

That’s all I look for … someone to walk beside of me in this journey.  I have several of you guys.  I don’t question you at all.  And one of you I seek very strongly to strengthen that bond with right now.  I think we are going through a lot of the same situations … and you seem so insightful and genuine … a quality that the majority of gay people do not obtain.  But you are different … someone that I admire a lot for being who you are.  I wish this summer had been different in a lot of ways.  But I suppose things happen as they do for a reason.  Just know that now when I bug you about wanting to do things with you I have no motive other than friendship.  A TRUE FRIENDSHIP.  

An Apology…
I’m sorry if I hurt you by expressing the way that I feel.  I don’t think what I said in any way pointed you out as being a bad person.  I simply wanted to get out what I was feeling.  You didn’t allow me to do that when it was important … and now you seem to want to tell me everything that is wrong with me.  I’m not looking to start an argument with you … that is the very last thing that I want.  When I told you that I loved you … I meant that.  That’s the way I am … I don’t say things that I don’t mean.  I knew things were falling apart for us … and I begged you to talk about that … but you promised everything was ok.  Then, overnight everything wasn’t ok … and suddenly all of my problems apparently became present to you.  I don’t think you are an asshole.  I don’t hate you, as much as I would like to.  You are making me get angry with you … which I don’t like.  I want things to be civil between us.  You tell me you want to be my friend … but what exactly do you mean by that?  You want me to be an online acquaintance … you want to talk to me … I mean what is it that you seek in this friendship?  When I could have used the talk … you didn’t want to talk.  You were a coward.  What has changed?  Why do you want to point fingers now?  I’m to the point where I’m ok … and you want to cause drama now … why?  If you want to be my friend … please just give me some time.  I’m not ignoring your IM’s.  I’m not trying to be mean or hateful … I’m not calling you out as a bad person.  I don’t believe that for a minute.  

I wasn’t trying to push myself on you.  Or make your life more difficult.  I know how much you are going through and only wanted to be there for you through it.  Maybe I did add too much complexity.  But you knew your schedule before you met me.  And I didn’t change.  I didn’t act any faster in this than you did … I was the one hesitant about it all.  

I actually think about you everyday.  I think about your family and what you’ve been going through with that.  I think about your friends … and your not so friends.  I think about your school … and knowing how stressed you are about taking the GMAT’s.  And I want to ask you about it and find out what’s going on … and above all I want to be there for you.  But how is that any different than what caused all of our problems?  But then maybe that wasn’t our problem.  That’s why I wanted to know then.  But it doesn’t matter now.  It’s only going to cause anger now.  There’s no reason in pointing fingers.  I still love you … I still want to be a part of your life as much as I want you to be a part of mine.  I just need some time.