HAPPY NEW YEARS

So it’s officially a new year.  Welcome 2006!!!  If anything deserves a blog entry, it’s a retrospect of 2005 and an anticipation of 2006.

We will start with a retrospect…

The beginning of 2005 was full of a lot of hope.  I had a new… and my first boyfriend.  I knew this year was going to be totally different from any other.  What seemed to have started all too soon was over very shortly, however.  The weekend before my graduation David and I called a rather substantial relationship to a close.  That weekend would prove to be one of the worst of my life.  All I wanted to do was sleep – I was depressed.  

My entire family came down that weekend for my graduation.  For those of you who know me – you know I’m the type of person that always has to be on top of things.  The day my family arrived I was to walk the stage in less than 2 hours… they knocked on my door… and I was still in the bed asleep.  

Maybe I took this loss so badly because it was, in a lot of ways, my first real relationship.  But I know in my heart that I truly loved David, with all of my heart.  A piece of my heart will always belong to him.  If there is anything that I have learned this year, however, it’s that sometimes no matter how hard you try even if it’s just to be friends, some people aren’t meant to be a part of your life.   I like to live with this ideal image of what life should be like.  If you ever tell someone you love them… and you truly mean it… shouldn’t they always be a part of your life?  And the answer to that is no – sometimes the pain is too great.

Graduation came and went… the days passed.  For a while I wanted nothing to do with anyone.  I had reached a new stage in my life, however, one that I wasn’t about to turn my back on.  I’d come to accept the fact that I was gay.  I don’t like thinking negatively about things.  I’ve always said that everything that happens does so for a reason – and I don’t just say that – I truly believe it.  The reasons may not be obvious to us to begin with, but time most always proves to be the solution to all our problems.  Looking back, I’m glad David and I happened now.  It took me to a new place in life, one that allowed me to be more of who I am.  I still wish things could have happened differently and maybe someday I will come to understand the reasons they occurred as they did, but those answers don’t really matter now.

I do, however, wish the best for you David.  I know you have a lot of growing and maturing to do.  I hope that you come to find whatever it is that you are really searching for – and I hope that you find someone that will make you be that person that I saw in you during the time we were together.  If you ever need me, you know where to find me.

The other big thing to happen during this time was coming out to a great deal of my friends.  The most important of those was probably Mark.  In a lot of ways it was by accident, but it was meant to happen.  I think what separated us for a while now, has brought us closer in the end, however.  If there is one that you can say about being gay, it’s that it allows you to figure out who your true friends are.

The summer brought a lot of new friendships and relationships into the picture.  In some ways I feel like now I was catching up on a lifetime of falsehood.  I knew I didn’t want to go back to who I was before, but I didn’t know how to deal with this new person either.  That showed up in a lot of my actions.  But again… things happen the way they do for a reason, right?

I feel like sometimes I should apologize for the things I did this summer… the people that I came into contact with.  That doesn’t make sense, though, for I was only discovering a whole new side of me.  The one thing I must say I’m more grateful for than anything from this summer’s events, however, was getting to meet Will.  

If I do owe anyone an apology for this summer, it would be you Will.  It’s no excuse, but I was at such an awkward point in my life.  Parts of me knew that David and I would get back together (although, I’m so grateful that never happened).  Another part of me was so infatuated with the person that you were.  Honestly, I think overall it was just a series of bad timings.  It was too soon for both of us.  I know for me I was more worried about protecting myself than anything… I couldn’t deal with getting hurt again.  

One thing that I have figured out about myself is that when it comes to emotions and pain I have a great capacity for blocking out the things that I don’t want to remember.  That night that we talked in the car before you left for Vietnam it was like I was amazed at myself.  Everything we talked about was true, but it didn’t feel like it was about me at all.  That night I hardly slept at all.  I just kept playing over and over in my head what had happened to us over the summer, trying to come to some understanding.  Fact is I was just scared.

I was falling for you.  I cared about you a lot.  I never stopped caring about you.  

Fall semester began with a lot of hopeful anticipation.  I had spent the summer working at Jenkins Peer… and playing… and it was time for a new focus… something to get my mind off everything else and back down to something serious.  This semester would start my final chapter of my architectural education.  It also led me to meet yet another guy.  I won’t mention anything to great about him for just that reason – he wasn’t too great.  But it was short lived and nothing really lost or gained… besides some money.  HAHA!

Will and I had managed to keep in touch despite not being a couple.  That’s something that doesn’t happen a lot… at least to me.  Well, minus the girlfriends, but that’s a whole different story.  He and Patrick had decided to try things out again after school had started, which I was totally sad about.  Continuing with the theme of this year, however, everything happens for a reason.  He and Patrick tried working things out again while I was dating the above not to be mentioned.  

I remember one particular conversation Will and I had though, where basically I was looking back and regretting that I hadn’t given us more of a chance.  We started talking online a lot more just about out daily happenings and had actually even planned on hanging out one day that I had to go up that way and meet with an architect about my thesis project.  However, time expired on us and by the time my meeting was over he had classes the rest of the afternoon.  

What was nice about this time, though, was that we were going through a lot of the same things… breakups and opinions about school… life in general.  Although I was really hoping that something might rekindle between us, I was so happy to have someone I could talk to about things.  Our friendship really meant a lot to me.  And finally I got the courage to say something about how I felt… lol… through a blog entry.  (It’s the one posted 14 November 2005 if interested.)

But that pretty much brings me up to present.  The year of 2005 goes out with a pretty big bang.  A lot of things have happens and a lot of new possibilities seem to be developing.  I’m must say I’m pretty happy with how things have turned out.  Actually, I’m extremely happy.  My education feels sound, my future is looking great (along with a job offer in NYC with Charlie Gwathmey), my job turned out to be a great success… so…

HELL YEA TO 2005 … NOW LET’S BRING ON 2006!!!

Anticipation:

1. A successful final semester at UNC-Charlotte in the College of Architecture


2. At least 5 more months at Jenkins Peer


3. An awesome spring break… hopefully spent with Will on some sand somewhere (California???)


4. Some great last memories made with some college friends… especially Cathy, Amber, Kiffen, Sophia, JB and Suzanne


5. Some more great times with Jason – at the movies probably.  HAHA!  And taking full advantage of our Platinum passes for Carowinds


6. An even stronger friendship with Mark


7. Lots of weekend road trips


8. Hawaii with the family


9. Some good times and some bad – making the best out of both


10. And a new appreciation for love…

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEARS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!